damn. school has started. it's crazy. i go to school everyday except wednesdays from 9:30 in the morning till 5:00 at night. i get home and i eat and do homework and i don't have time for anything else. and when i do spend my time doing other things, i run out of time for homework and then i'm screwed. holy shit. well, at least i'm enjoying physics. valentines is next week, and we're planning on going on a date this saturday. our plan is to go to the beach for a picnic. hope it works out well, we both know i have a bad habit of disappointing people. i'm sorry, i try my best. i'm just not the best or most perfect boy friend out there. i try my best.

i miss you.
i know i'm confusing and i sort of don't make sense.
but i thought about it. and i think this is what i'm down to.
i don't think i can handle being in a relationship and taking on the responsibilities.
i want to be able to do whatever i want whenever i want.
cause it's hard to care and sacrifice for the one you love without not being able to do whatever i want, whenever i want.
i don't think, or feel, that right now is the time for that, for me.
and i don't want to just make you wait, and wait and wait. and then when i feel it's right and come back for you. i feel like that's just screwed up. i want you to just go and have fun and not really sit there and wait for me. i don't know. this is hard.

remember how we used to call each other when one of us were sick? well, not all the time. usually i just go to sleep, but i offer you to listen to me sleep. well, i've been sick since last friday and i'm dying. i cough so hard my throat, my stomach, and my head hurts. i wanted to call you this week, but i wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not. so i didn't. and now it's winter break, and i have five weeks. i wonder what you're going to be doing. whatever it is, i hope you won't be sitting at home watching tv all day. cause that's what i'm going to do, except i'm going to be playing my xbox which is much more productive.

I can't keep thinking about you. But I just don't feel like being in a relationship right now. I feel like it's not the right time. It's just a feeling. I don't know if everyone gets a "feeling" sometimes, but i do. And right now I feel like it's not the time for me to be in a relationship. Just not now. I'm sorry.

I know you want to be friends. But not right now either. I think we need more time. I'm not sure how much time. I don't want to make a guess or an approximate. I just don't. I'm sorry. But I promise we'll be friends and we'll be talking again. Just not right now.

I think about you everyday still. I've thought about not talking to each other for a long time. And then we start talking again, after things have changed and we've become different people. Even if we're not different things will be different. I imagine it to be exciting and welcoming. This isn't to get mine or your hopes up. It's just what I've been thinking. Maybe after a while, when I'm ready to have a relationship again, we'll get back together and all of heaven is going to flow into our lives. I don't want you to keep thinking this, but it was just something I've been thinking about I had to let it out. For now, I just want you to try to have fun and enjoy what you have. Your friends. Your family. Your education. Your time. Don't let our relationship put you down so much. I know it's hard, and it's hard for me too. But try, please, just try.